Thanks to NDERF.

Dead is Just a Four Letter Word

By DW

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Make the Pain Stop

In December of 1984 I killed myself.

I wanted the peace of death. I wanted it now.

Like any one, I had set my own path in my youth. Don't try to blame my parents or my family for the problems in my life. I know who made my decisions, it wasn't them. Pretty much, if you just pick something that humans call bad, I did it. If I liked it then I did it again and brought friends with me.

Like one little rock rolling down hill, my decisions had created an avalanche of events and situations that were beyond my ability to control. I didn't know what had gone wrong but I knew my life was not supposed to be like this.

Oblivion was a delightful thought compared to living any longer. I had heard suicide called everything from a deadly sin to the cowards way out, but I didn't care any more. I hurt.

Those two words are so small they can not convey to you how deeply my heart hurt. This desire for death was where my choices up to that point in time had brought me. I could see no way my life would be anything but the miserable and useless struggle it had been since I was on my own. I wanted out of it; Out of life, out of pain, out of hurt - OUT! I was twenty-nine and only wanted peace, and would do whatever I had to do to get it.

Black funk, depression, despair, lost, friendless; I wish I could tell you how hopeless and futile any effort to move forward seemed. I felt betrayed, deceived by my own heart. I couldn't trust it again. Just the thought of love in my heart, only to have it turn to dust, made me wince. I seemed to be cursed in picking who I loved. This was just one time too many I had failed. I wanted the shame and hurt from it to stop driving me.

I could see only two choices open to me, to be alone forever or or to risk being betrayed again. I no had hope of finding joy in life again. Of all the losses, the loss of hope was the one I could not bear. I could not see any chance of a happy future for me. All of my life experiences and all of my decisions up to that point convinced me that anything I did or tried to do would lead to hurting myself and others.

My life was a trail of broken hearts and choas and promises not kept. I was so far down in the dark from the pain in my heart and spirit that I no longer could tell myself, when one door or window closes, another will open.

I only wanted the pain to stop. Just stop. "Please let the pain stop," I chanted in my head in the days leading up to this day. It didn't. I cried any time that I wasn't with others. I hurt all the time.

I was living alone in a small apartment in Nebraska. It was nearing New Year's Eve. On a Friday night I put together the things I needed, wrote the required note that told everyone I could think of that they were not guilty for my leaving and took the mixture that killed me.

I knew what I was taking would kill me. It was not an accident. I wanted what I saw as the gift of death. I reached out for it.



I Quit

I got woozy right away. The hallucinations started. Friends appeared to try and to talk me out of what I was doing. I sat on the couch, slouched against arm, and was amazed to talk with friends I had not seen in years. They sat in the chair beside the couch or walked up and down in front of me as they talked. They were as real as you and this book are. I resisted their every effort. I knew they were not there, that they were projections of my mind.

I told them I could no longer handle being on the bottom rung of life. I couldn't pick a decent man and I didn't want to be alone. I was out of here, thanks very much for caring. I loved them and would miss them but I wasn't staying. There were two in particular, who persisted and stayed with me. They were my best friends. They took turns giving me reasons to stay and cajoling me but I resisted their every effort.

I understand what hallucinations are and how real they can seem. I understand the differences between reality and drugged reality. I had done enough drugs in my youth to know the effect they had on my body and mind. I was drugged but could still tell "real" from "not real." I knew it was just me talking to myself and using those I knew loved me for help. It had to be worked through completely and I went with what was happening.

I had gotten up to try and eat a last meal. I stopped cooking after a small fire on the stove top. I realized it was a trick to slow the drugs down. My survival instinct was using it on me to try to keep me alive. I wouldn't let it.

I put out the fire, threw the pan in the sink and walked back to flop down on the couch. I lay there against one arm of it like a discarded doll. I could no longer make my body move to lay all the way down or put my feet up.

The drugs overcame me finally. My breathing slowed, I could hear my heart beat slowing, then it became erratic. I wasn't worried about anyone finding me too soon. I lived alone and it was Friday night. The hallucinations stopped. I couldn't get my thoughts together. They wandered without purpose. I was too relaxed to care. My eyes fell shut. I couldn't open them. I quit trying to open them. I quit trying to do anything. I quit on life.

I died.

Death?

Let me make this perfectly plain. I killed myself. I died.

I did not "almost" die. I did not "only think" I died.

The part of me that animates my body was detached from it. There was no power to make that body function. We call that dead.

I know I was dead.

There was a feeling, an awareness, of something like a tiny "click", a pull like a cork, a release like the tension taken off a spring, as I "died". The body let go of me or I let go of it.

I knew I was "dead". If you have ever handled a dead body you know something you can't describe is gone from it. If you have seen anyone die you know the difference between a live body and a dead one. I have done both those things.

I was dead.

That's a bold statement but I stand by it. I knew I had succeeded in killing myself. I hear you asking, "OK, if you were dead how did you know you were dead?"

The answer is what I have been trying to share with each person I think this experience might help. It is, to me, the point of sharing this story.

I did not "die". You will not "die".

My body was dead. "I" was still alive. I knew it then, and know it now, as a truth.

My body stopped working. The self I am did not.

I lived.

Life?

It was quiet; Complete silence. There was no apartment noise, no neighbor noise, no traffic noise, not even body noises - nothing. I liked that, it was so peaceful.

There was darkness all around me. In that darkness I was even more aware of the complete peace of the silence. It confused me that I was aware. I knew silence, dark and the meaning of the words. I knew they were words to describe something. I knew I was thinking them.

I also knew that "I" was "moving" through that dark peace. I felt no air over skin, I saw no markers, I heard no sound of passing but I felt I was going somewhere.

I continued on for what seemed a very short time in elapsed time. I had a million thoughts as I went. Having time for so many thoughts made it seem like it should have been a longer time.

That I had thoughts confused me. I tried to understand what was happening to me. "I" was still "me". I was, apparently, alive. I could not see myself. I could not raise my hand to look at it, but I was something - I still felt like "myself".

I was still thinking and feeling - but not in a body. I was moving without legs. I couldn't see any part of myself so I assumed I had no legs, no hands, no arms, no feet or anything you would normally look at to see if it was there. I felt surprise and wonder. I knew the meaning of those thoughts, too.

I floated "higher" or further. I lack a better word for the sensation or the direction. Still, I knew I was moving to someplace. There are no words that describe it well. I moved toward some other place from where I was. I was drawn there, not going there. It was not my power that moved me.

I was no longer in my body. I knew I was not on this planet. I knew that "I" was not dead, not the way we mean the word. I was not un-alive, not unaware. I was "dead", had no body I could see, but I knew I lived. I just didn't know why or how. I couldn't figure it out.

I felt alive but I knew I was dead in our way of believing in death. I probably can't explain it better than that. To discover that I was not dead , when I had just killed myself left the me confused and amazed.

A thought came to me. For one moment I was so sad my children and my mother would be grieved by my death. I regretted the pain my death would cause the family.

Then something changed in me. That sad thought faded away and I was overcome by a deeply peaceful joy. It was like I left all the cares and concerns that are so much a part of us with my body. They were gone from me.

It was a healing of my heart and a removal of my pain and grief so complete I felt it like a rock was lifted from me.

I was all done with the responsibilities we create here for the living. I had no fears, no shame, no pain, no broken heart, no thing left to do. I was released. I didn't have to pay the bills or go to work ever again.

All the hurt I knew in life was gone from me. I had no responsibility toward others now. They would be loved and cared for still. I would always love them. I had no shame or sadness that I had hurt them. It was gone from me and I was filled with the comfort of knowing they would be cared for.

I was filled with joy by that knowing. It was a joy that was real. I could have danced it, sang it. I had NO emotional pain, no physical hurts. What I had seen as terrible pain, shame, grief and lack of love on this earth were no longer were hurting me. They had no effect on me anymore. I felt only the JOY of the release from the pain, the shame, the feeling that I could never take care of the ones I loved right. It was all lifted from me.

How much of my life's pain was of my creating and how much of it was from others didn't matter anymore. Not one thought of what I believed was bad in my life hurt me. I could not feel a pain anywhere. I tried to remember the things that made me chose death and could not feel the pain of them. Like sitting down a heavy load after a time of holding it up, I was released from the pain of everything that ever hurt me. If I had had a way to do so I would have cried with the joy of it. I was Free!

Even though I knew these things had happened, I had the memories, I could not feel any hurt or shame in myself. It was such a relief! That pure joy filled me up. I can't tell you how wonderful that feeling is with words. I can only repeat myself trying.

Bliss; It's a small word. I think it is one we only feel here like a shadow of what it really means. Anyone who has ever been hurt and had the medicine take effect to stop the pain knows the relief that "absence of pain" can be. Something that to many here is not even a reality to be lost, just the lack of pain, is a treasure to someone who hurts.

When I began this I was in a deep, black heart hurt clear to my bones and now I was freed of that and bliss is the only word that even whispers of the feeling in me as the pain not only was stopped, but removed. The pain was gone and all threat of pain in my heart or body was gone. No one could hurt me again, not even me! I could hurt no one again, ever! I was so comforted! I didn't hurt anymore. I was at peace in myself. Finally, I knew the meaning of peace in my heart. I believe it was the first touch of the Love and Grace reaching out to me.



Arrival

As this feeling passed through me I saw, off to my right, a golden glow, a light in the darkness, like a city's lights on the night sky. It lit the way for me. The light was shining, just over there from me.

I say "I saw" but I had no eyes. It's another confusion with words and concepts I can't say well here. But I could see the golden light. It was like a candle behind a gauze curtain. Muted, but against the darkness, showing a vivid brightness.

I turned to face it but I had no face. I had no body I could turn. But I did what felt like turning to face it.

I looked toward it, wanting to be there and not alone in the dark. I was moved. Instead of feeling like I was moving toward it all of a sudden I was just there. Like the transporter on Star Trek; first you are here, then you are there. I arrived.

The curtain effect was gone. The light was crisp and bright now. I felt like I belonged. I was in the right place now. Whatever this place was it was where I was supposed to be. There was no fear, only curiosity and yearning.

In front of me was an opening in a barrier built of golden light. It appeared to be a low wall, that ran in front of me. It seemed to be built of glowing, golden rocks. Like a stone wall with a small opening for a gate it seemed to me. It was a border, not a defensive wall, it seemed. Too low for protection it just marked the boundary of what ever place this was.

I was aware of another, smaller "glow" behind me and to my left, on the same side of the barrier as I was. It stood between me and the dark I had come from. I didn't know what it was. It felt like a protector is the closest I can come. The being who stood behind me felt like it had my back, if I had one still. I never saw this one very well. It wasn't much larger than me, but it felt bigger and stronger.

Beyond the opening and over the top of that barrier I could see an immense, golden, glowing globe shape that seemed "way over there." I don't think it was a far distance but I had no way to measure. I just knew it was "over there" and I was "over here". It was golden and white with the light it gave off. It seemed huge yet far away.

There were more glowing globes, smaller ones, that gave off their light in the distance. There were some at the rear of the base of the large one, in a cluster or group. They were right up next to it but not part of it.

I saw some more "glowing globe shapes" off to my left. It was like a line of them approaching the largest sphere. They appeared to be different sizes, but that could have been distance. There was no way for me to know that, either. I had no concept of my own size except in relation to things appearing smaller or larger than I seemed to be. All these words are comparative, not absolutes. I had no way to judge.

It felt as if I remained by the place I call the gate for a short moment, taking it all in and processing it. Suddenly, I changed position. Again, I did not feel the movement of the change, only that the power that moved me was not mine. I went from where I was to another position without willing it myself. Something besides me moved me. I can't think of a better way to say it.

Think of picking up a caterpillar and displaying it on your hand in front of your face. Now be the caterpillar. It was something like that, I think.



The Meeting

I wasn't by the barrier any more. I could not see it anywhere. I had a feeling it was to my right and lost in the distance. All I could see was the huge, brilliant light now directly in front of me. I felt examined. I looked right at it, in curiosity.

I was right in front of and dead center (sorry, pun accidental) of the largest glowing globe of light I had seen. What I learned next amazed me. I discovered that the glowing, golden globe of light was alive. It was a "self". It was a living, aware, loving being.

We were the same! We were both living beings. It was huge, loving and powerful, strong and gentle all at the same time. I felt small and confused but I knew it was alive. It knew "self and other" the same way I did still. I wasn't dead, it wasn't dead, but it didn't look "human". It felt human to me.

I was aware that this being of light was aware of itself as alive and living. It was aware of me in the same way. It was strange to look at something I thought of as so different from me and find out it was not different. This felt like a surprising discovery; Kind of a "Hey, it's another soul!" Not so much that it was "human" and had been living on earth but I recognized it was another living, aware self.

When you meet a human you know it's another human no matter what the body that contains it looks like. A cat or dog is alive but not human. A flower or grass is alive but we don't see them as human, either, just another life form. Some animals push the line and feel "almost human" to us, but we know they are animals still.

That being was "human" or "like me" in feeling but powerful beyond description. I was fascinated by it. We were alike and alive but I was in awe of it. That Being was so much more in every way than I was that I felt small compared to it. I felt physically smaller. I felt my lack of my control over my self as less powerful.

The essence of it, the "self" or, rather, "selflessness" of it is so much harder to tell. I felt the power the Being appeared to create and that was sent out from it. It was like standing in the sun but instead of sunshine LOVE warmed you. It was like nothing and no one I have ever seen or met but I knew it only loved. There was no other word close to what I experienced. Pure Love came from that being.

The Power of Love created and sent out by that being was a force, like electricity is a force. I could feel it being sent out and touching everything around it. I try to write it and there are no experiences in my life to compare it to that captures the essence of what I felt. It was unlike anything on this world.

That being was composed of love; It created love, it emitted love, it directed love. It lived on love. It was Love; Love the Power. There was nothing in that entire experience with the other Divine Loving Being that was not totally "good" and powered by "love".

I have to use the words we know here. They mean something far more than I can express with them. There was nothing negative in all of that being, or in my self or anything or other one around me.

There was no "evil, wicked, mean or nasty", the ideas would not even work to show the opposite of love I felt. They could not be expressed. They were not possible there. Bad, negative, evil, none of that existed there. All I could think is "There is only Love. It is only good."

This other being was much larger and more powerful than I was. I felt no fear of it. There was only a complete acceptance of the rightness of the moment; I knew I was safe and loved. I only felt more curious. I wanted to understand what was happening to me. I wanted to know this powerful "other self" that held me.

As you gather information meeting a new person for the first time by seeing how they stand, how they speak and form an idea of them, we met. The phrase, "We stood looking at each other" is right but misleading.

Neither of us had a leg to stand on, a place to put it if we had one or eyes to see with as we know them here. I have to use the words I can find that fit best. It is not easy.

It was like forming a first impression in your mind but so flooding of my senses that I struggled to comprehend the completeness of this other entity. It was just too big for me to grasp, though I tried.



Communion

I knew that other self was what held me where I was. It was who had drawn me closer. Now I learned it knew me. It knew me in all I was, in all my life, in all my truth. I could not hide anything from it. I had no desire to hide anything. I felt no fear or shame that it "saw" all of me. Then came to me the first hint of truly understanding the meaning of the word "grace."

That being knew all of everything I ever was and loved me. Not just loved me but every thing that defined me as my self, unique from any other bit of creation, was wonderful to it. It loved the way I was made, it loved that we were meeting, it loved me with all the love it had in it. It's love over powered me. I knew that I was precious to it and treasured by it. I was perfectly what I was supposed to be and it loved me just that way.

If I was a diamond, I was flawless, perfectly cut, beyond beautiful. I could not be loved more by that being. Not one thing in me needed to be changed for that being to love me. I was perfect - in it's eyes - as I was made. I felt it think at me, "As I made you, I did you perfectly!" With joy, it loved me, as I was, completely.

That Being loved me so deeply that it would never hurt me. It only wanted my complete, loving self to be all the me I was created to be. I did not have to change. That which is my true and ever living self is perfect. I didn't have to be anything but just me. Truth lies there. Unconditional love sees only the beauty of the truth of love in each living spirit.

We began to communicate when I understood it was "speaking" to me. Then I knew it could "hear" what I wanted to share with it. It was not with spoken words but more like with complete thoughts with no possibility of misunderstanding. It was a true communication of perfect understanding between two spirits.

I would "ask" then would "know", the answer from the golden, glowing, loving being. I had no lips to speak and no ears to hear but I heard and spoke somehow. So did it. I reveled in that complete, pure, communication. There was no possibility of misunderstandings or evasions. There were no words to confuse the issue, only the truth of learning and knowing each other between us.

This is how we were supposed to communicate and understand between two people. It's that "heart to heart" talk taken to the ultimate level. I feel the lack of it here. Words are so bulky and awkward compared to just "showing" you how I feel or what I think. In every sentence I write here I feel the weight and awkwardness of these words.

I have little memory of all that passed between us. We "talked" for a time, in loving joy at being together. I was small and asking questions. It was "answering" me, giving me what I felt a need to know as fast as I could conceive the question in my thoughts. I didn't have to ask some things, they were just showed or told to me.

I "knew" (was told?) that being loved me just as I was. I did not need to change one thing to be perfect. I was perfect to it. I knew it felt a true joy in being with me. I felt like it was just bursting with happiness because I was there. It was beyond glad to see me, it loved me. It thought I was just perfectly made and was thrilled that we were together. I repeat this because it amazed me.

That huge and powerful entity made me feel like being with me made it's life worth living, complete. I was giving it joy by just being there. How could someone or some thing I never even knew be so loving of me? How could it be so glad to be with me that it seemed like it's shine brightened when I joined it?

I was so loved! I was loved completely and just as I was, as all I was. Small, confused, dead by my own hand, I was cherished and loved. I was precious to it. I responded to that with my own thoughts of my joy in the peace, love and total acceptance it was giving me. I tried to love it back with my little self.

The being knew I loved it and that I was thankful for it's love of me. Then it love me more. I loved it more. A cycle of pure love between us grew. It was like the most wonderful, perfect joining of hearts between two beings you can imagine. I call it perfect communion.



The Showing

There came a pause in our "talk". Instead of ideas passing between us there was a change in the way we communicated.

I had been seeing that other self as a large, white haloed ball of light with a golden, glowing center. It was all I could see. It filled my whole view. In the silence now between us there was a change in my perspective. What I was seeing changed but I didn't feel like I moved.

Now I saw a long oval of light with a pattern of tiny blocks in rows seeming to moving all along it's length. A glowing golden light came off it like a sun and the love you could feel was like the large Loving Being sent out. This one was smaller. I asked that being what it was that was so pretty and so loving. It answered me. "This is you."

I was seeing myself from it's own vision, some how. It saw me as a beautiful, perfect, shining, living being, full of love and peace, filled with joy. I saw myself, but I saw me as it did, a being of golden light and love.

There was nothing I could do that would make me better. I was perfect just as I was. I was so loving and beautiful, seen from it's "eyes". The self of us is made of love and the love we are shines like a sun there. Me! I was beautiful! It didn't just tell me that, it showed me. I saw me. I loved me for the first time I could remember. I could have cried with the joy of seeing I was loving, like it was.

I saw the truth of what I was in it's view. I was filled with joy in the knowledge that I was a loving self and I loved the being who showed me the love in my self. It showed me that, yes, we were alike, we are both living, we both are of Love.

I knew all of me the way that being knew me and I saw that each experience and person here was a part of me still. Each part of my life was needed to make me completely what I was; Perfect in it's eyes. I would appear to be perfect again today if I stood there, even though I have changed over the years.

That is the meaning of Love's grace. You are loved as you are; Not as what you wish to be, not as you should or could have been, not as someone else says you ought to be, but only for what you are now. It can show you that in the way it sees you. It's hard to see in your own eyes here.

In that Loving Being's view the truth of what you are is changed. You see only the loving goodness in you, as you were created. There is no shame or guilt because you no longer have a reason to feel it. It's gone. Your life and your spirit are changed back to what they would have been if you did everything right. There is nothing to regret or be sorry for any more. Grace changes it all.

I was at peace with myself. Nothing hurt. I could only see my life and self through that Being's Love. There was no negative in myself or from that Being for anything I had done, including killing myself. It was changed by the power of the Truth of Love with which it was seen. That Loving Grace, total acceptance, complete love and truth created a joy in me. I saw that love was in me, too, not just from the Being shining down on me, it was in me as part of myself. I was full of love and peace. I felt the joy in that truth. l have no right words for it.

I knew I was good. I saw I was good. I was not just "okay". I was perfect and I was loving and I was good, not just in it's view anymore. It let me know that in my own judgment.

To see my self as good again, like I knew I was when I was a child - oh, my heart, how I wish to keep that feeling with me here. How I wish I could give that feeling to you. Only the Divine Love can grace you with it. Each one can only find it, through that Divine Love, for them self.



The Seeing

Then I was looking back at it again, shining down on me. There was another feeling of change. I felt like I was moved closer to that being. I have tried to tell people how it appeared to me but words are inadequate. Still I attempt it.

Imagine a large, round, globe shaped zinnia. It's deep golden in the center and composed of many tiny petals. Starting at the center a small circle of golden petals appeared to come out from inside the being itself. There were four petals in this first circle. See each tiny petal as a moving, golden flame going outward from an ever refilled center.

Each petal seemed to stay the same size but each row of petals magically multiplied to increase the circle it was part of to a size that kept covered that rings area of the globe.

They were not expelled from it, like waste, but becoming, being created, from the power of the love within that Being. Creation as love made real, manifested. I believe each living thing has been created by the Power that is the Divine Love.

As the rows of petals or flames traveled to reach the visible edge of the "body" of that Being, the color intensified. Each petal changed from the golden hue it had at the center to a glowing white hot shade. The being was radiating an aura around itself so pure the color can't be named.

Yet the center never stopped putting out new circles of flaming petal shapes. The glow I saw around it I felt as a radiation of love on me. Like the sunlight on a hot day touches your skin, love touched me.

The whole being never moved yet it's apparent surface was constantly in motion. That is the closest I can get to explaining its physical appearing self.

It did not have to let me see it so closely that I could see the tiny circle of four petals burst forth from the center. It was an intimate detail of itself that it shared with me, a very close up view. I believe it not only loved me but it wanted me to know it, all of it, as it knew me.

That was the greatest gift it gave me. It loves me so much it wanted me, little ole' 'killed myself me', to know it better and to love it, too. It wanted my love given to it freely, knowing all of it. It wanted to be loved by me the same way it loved me, knowing all of me and choosing to love it, with no limits.

With a new friend we listen to them tell us about their life. We get to know each other better over the time we have together. Because we love we want to share all of ourselves and we want to know all of them. It "showed" or told me of itself.

There was more than the looking, there was a learning of that loving being that I have little remembrance of but I know it was real. I knew it like I know my mother or sisters. It had showed me it knew me. Now it let me know the unique self it is.

It didn't want to love me like a pet or like a possession, it wanted to love WITH me, like a friend. It WANTED me to know and love it just the way it was with an unconditional love. Being loved and loving was as needed to that self's joy as being loved and loving is to me.

As worthless as I saw myself, that I had killed myself, all that I had done wrong in my life, and still that being didn't just love me, it wanted to BE loved by me. It said and showed the truth of that to me, I felt it. It wanted my love. I was desired as a personal, loving friend. To love like that I had to really know it, all of it. That is what it showed me. It's true self.

I loved it, but it had loved me first and I loved it for loving me. I wish that I could explain how precious that was to me; To be wanted when I didn't even want myself. I had just killed me. To be told I was not only desired as one to love, but that it wanted me to love it. That I was sought out in such a way by one so loving was more than I could understand.

What greater love is there than a love that reaches out to you and says, "I will always love you," then shows you all they are, not knowing if, in the telling, something will make you judge them to be someone you can't love. It made itself vulnerable to my rejection. How could I not love a being that trusted me with all of it's true self?

That being already KNEW me before I arrived there. It chose to love me and wanted me to love it, KNOWING all of it. I wasn't asked to love blindly. I was showed the self that wanted me to love it. It wanted to be chosen by me as one that I would love. It had loved me before I was human, it loved me before I was born, it loved that I was back with it, but most of all, it loved that I loved it, too.

It was joy filled that I loved it. I was in a state of bliss from the love we shared. So was my new friend, the Divine Loving Being. Our perfect understanding in complete Love was, and could only be, Divine.

I was HOME. That is what it felt like, the ultimate homecoming. I was where I was meant to be. I fit perfectly there. I was so glad to be there, loving with that being. "It was where I was meant to be" is as close as I can describe it. To be together with that other loving self was the perfect place for me to exist.



The Parting

I loved at the Being of Divine Love and it loved back at me. There is no other way to express what we were doing. While it was a sharing of thoughts it was cumulative. It just got closer and better as we went. We shined on each other.

Then came the blow I didn't know was coming. My loving friend had one more thing to tell me.

I had to go back, this was not my time.

I had no choice in this. It was not a choice for me to decide. It was in that being's power to send me back. That being had the power to return me to my life here. Whatever it was I still needed was more important than my need to escape my temporary misery. I had to believe this. There was nothing between us but truth.

It was only done of love. That self could only do what it felt was the most loving thing for me. To hurt me would be to hurt itself in a literal way I can't explain well.

I was going to have to go back. I had to live. It touched the heart of me with its love and truth. "I am sending you there now" came to me. There was no reason given that I recall. It was the way it was. It is the way it is. It was not in my power to change it.

I had been comforted and shown a Divine Loving Being and part of the place we go when our bodies die. I knew I was loved and that I loved and that we do not die. I had been given a gift in this experience. But I could not stay. I didn't have to choose. My new friend, in it's love for me, chose for me.

There was no sensation of motion. There was no concept like "good bye." I felt a severing of our direct connection. It's difficult to describe. We were joined together in every way you can imagine, talking, thinking, loving, learning... Then I was alone again.

I was back by the barrier and by the smaller light that had been behind me when I arrived. I was still looking toward the Divine Being, now "over there" from me again. Then it was all gone.

Unlike the perceived time it took me to go to that place through the darkness I saw nothing this time. It was just - Poof! - I was back. It felt that quick. I was coughing and gagging and back in my body. My body wasn't dead anymore.

Again, I lived.



Alive Again

I woke gagging and crying and gasping for breath. It hurt to breathe. Tears ran down my face to my chest. I started sobbing harder, in deep grief again. I still couldn't figure out exactly what was happening. I wasn't dead, I knew that much. I opened my eyes. I looked up to see a friend standing there, smiling at me.

This really confused me. I knew that friend was not in the same state with me. I knew it couldn't really be him. Whoever it was, he pulled me up, tears and all, from the couch. My legs would not support me. He put his arm around me to hold me up. He got me to the bathroom. I collapsed next to the seat. I grabbed on to hold myself up. It was all I could do just to hang on. I was still crying hard.

I heard the water run. He handed me a glass. He just looked at me, gently smiling and I knew I had to drink it. He had to hold it for me. I could not let go the seat. I would have slid to the floor. Just seconds later the vomiting started. He pulled my hair back, holding it out of my way. I vomited some more. Hard, violent spasms shook my body. My throat and stomach burned from the acid.

I finally choked to a stop, breathing in gulps, and tried to clear my sinuses. When he tried to get me to drink from the glass again I balked. Then I drank it all down. I threw that up, too.

I got my breathing under some sort of control - it was easier now. My crying hiccupped to a stop, almost. Tears still dribbled down my face. My sobbing stopped.

I crawled up from the floor using the sink for support and managed to get to my feet. I leaned heavily against the sink, one hand holding onto it, too. My friend was still there. He stood watching me, staying near enough to help.

I began the ritual of brushing my hair then washing my hands and face with cool water. I felt a little less run over by a truck. My skin was cold and clammy. I was still very shaky. When I turned to go back to the couch I started to fall. My friend caught me. He helped me back to the couch. I laid down gladly.

He brought me a blanket and covered me. I hadn't been tucked in for a long time. I tried to thank him but I was fading out. I saw him sit in the chair beside me. I pulled the blanket up to my chin. I felt safe and watched over. I slept.

I don't remember anything else until I woke in time for work on Monday. There was no one there with me. I believe there was no one there the whole time. I believe what I saw as my friend was an angel. By looking like my friend he wouldn't scare me. I know I wasn't afraid even though I knew the man I thought it was could not be there.

I don't know how long the experience lasted. Time had no meaning there. I didn't know that I had slept for two complete days. If it all happened on Friday I must have slept that long. I only know that it was Monday when I woke up.

I can't say how I knew that. I just knew it was time to get ready for work. I started my routine. I showered, dressed, made coffee and grabbed the big travel cup. I wanted LOTS of coffee. Somehow I was ready when my ride got there. I let them know I wasn't feeling real well but went to work anyway. It's what you do, make it to work, no matter what.

I had what I thought were more hallucinations during the day but some of them have happened since then. That would make them visions, not hallucinations. I dreamed vividly for many nights. I wrote it all down in my journal.

I had kept a diary in my teens. When my life went sour I went back to writing for myself. In 1984 I had journals going back five years to the failing first marriage in 1979. I kept them all. Months and years later, when things I had seen or dreamed became realities in my life, I could look them up and read them as I first wrote them down. I could believe I had been shown things from my future by that encounter. It proved my sanity to me and it proved the truth of the experience. Those writings burned up in '89 when we lost our home.

I wish I still had them. If I could have scanned it in here with the worn pages, dates, errors, and notes in the margin, you would be more likely to believe me. I would have been able to show you the exact words I used just after this experience to describe the way I perceived it at the time. I now have only my recollection. I can only hope you can feel how true this is for me.

At work that day the most vivid thing I recalled and wrote down was watching a black and white plush cat give birth to four black and white kittens. She was under the machine stored across from me. I could hear her cries, then her mama-talk to her kittens. When I went to check on her, though, she wasn't there. I would go back to my machine and see her again. I couldn't see or touch her if I got close to her.

One of the dreams that meant the most to me I remember in vivid detail. It was a dream of the boy I had loved in high school.

I dreamed I was riding a motorcycle. I hadn't ridden but twice in the last ten years. I looked into the round rearview mirror and saw him behind me on my left on his own motorcycle. His best friend, on his bike, was following both of us. We were coming up a hill on a two track road from a river that I could see through a shady tunnel of trees behind me.

I had other dreams and thoughts in those days I wrote down. Some of them did not happen but after that I never looked at dreams quite the same way as I had before I "died."

Over time I slowly started to feel connected to the world again. I went right back to thinking I had to do something, pay bills, work, move, something, to justify my existence. I went on with being here, being alive as we know it. I forgot about this experience for a long time because I knew it was not going to be believed, I didn't want to be called crazy. I just filed it under "Forget." That proved impossible to do.

rest available at http://4herway.com/4letterword/index.html (dreams were visions)

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes Words are symbols for feelings and thoughts. The symbol is not the thing.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? No Unless killing myself counts as life threatening

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? when I was dead. As I communicated with the Divine Loving Being of light.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain: most alert when I was dead and communicating with the Divine Loving Being of light.

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)? Yes No eyes, still saw. Vividly and in detail observed what I saw. Here you say "there's a fence" - there you say, "there are 48 boards in a boxed X pattern with 200 nails maintaining their position relative to the earth and defining a boundary."

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)? Yes No sound for me. All internalized.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? Yes

What emotions did you feel during the experience? See book. From regret to bliss.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? No note gate in story

Did you see a light? Yes Brilliant, deep golden in center, white at edges, see book.

Did you meet or see any other beings? Yes The light was a "self." Saw more, met only One. Know him now. Much that we shared I have no conscious memory of. I wonder about being hypnotized.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life? Uncertain No, I don't recall that, I recall a knowing that they shaped me as I am and were necessary to my existence as I am. Not a vivid review.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? Yes See story. Visions and dreams for days afterward that came true.

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions? Yes It was beautiful as it was all created from and by the power I can only call Love. The word is right. What it means is too limited here.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time? Yes NO time there. Nice - can't be late if there is no clock! LOL!

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose? Uncertain If what I dreamed and saw in those days became real here then it seems to me that there is a force operating among us that we are not "normally" aware of. I was aware. I am aware still.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes see description of wall with opening for gateway

Did you become aware of future events? Yes
Spine tingling, spooky accurate. See story.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience? Uncertain I always was good with tarot, even untrained. My empathy seems more accurate yet. If there is something to share I share it. I'm not 100% right.

Have you shared this experience with others? Yes Shared at the time with friends, a few close ones. Ignored until the mate died. Shared with many then.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Uncertain I did not study it but I read extensively. I have no recall of one like mine but I knew of it happening.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened: Experience was definitely real It didn't change. It doesn't fade. There are parts of it I never did get to bring back with me - I know that. But the experience was real. A real place, a real being, real other beings. We live.

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you? The bliss. The bliss is finding out you didn't just do "ok" or "good enough" but that each thing you did is made perfect for the world to become as it needs to be. Graced with understanding that there is no "wrong," only our perception of it.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience: Experience was definitely real see 40

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience? Uncertain Left one relationship before this and then grew into another one after. Am better now with others at expressing affection and love than I was before the mate died and this came back to me.

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes There is no wrong way to believe we live and are loved and part of the divine.

I don't have faith, I know.

I have to have faith in Jesus, I (may not) have met Him. I have read about him and believe those touched by him believed in him.

I believe we don't die. I "know" we don't die. No faith required.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience? Any more is available at the link at the end of the story.

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? No Must be experienced. Can't be explained. I could use every word in every language in every dictionary in the world and throw in the fictional ones for good measure and the words still can not express it.

Paul had the same problem. Read Corinthians 13 from top to bottom and it says you will understand when you don't die.

Are there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your experience? What is the most important thing to others here that you would like to share?

Death is not to be feared. You will not die. Your loved ones are not dead. We just can't perceive them from here. Death is a change, not an ending. The change is good, not a punishment. You will all be together again one day. javascript:iconTag('HEART1');
How could life create us and then punish US for what it made us to be?

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&id=iDIEnK522TgC&dq=rogue+cia&printsec=frontcover&source=web&ots=wX5QSTbHur&sig=2kwpmzF0OpZqKRX6QpW13POw9sk#PPP1,M1

The above information courtesy of Stan Caterbone, a man who knows far better than most Americans, how corrupt our government has become.

I have a recurring dream - Americans will become wise overnight and vote for Ron Paul en masse and we will get our country back.javascript:iconTag('HEART1');

JORAM, ILLUMINATION GUY’S, BLOGSTREAM MESSAGE TO US:

“Once again,” he says, “it is time for a tea party!”

When a very small, in stature not heart, group of colonists got fed up with the constant taxation by a Powerful (the most powerful in the world at that time) government, they banded together and decided it was time to take a stand. In a show of contempt and displeasure, they poured a shipment of tea into the Boston harbour to send a message to the British government: they were not going to take England’s abuse anymore! The colonists did not know what abuse was, as it turns out. Americans today are being abused in too many ways to count: we are being robbed of our rights, our jobs, our dollars, and our faith in our government, those men and women we have elected to protect our rights, dollars, jobs, etc.!

We all know that the Boston Tea Party was the inaugural incident that resulted in the birth of our nation and came to pass when our colonists’ words failed to stop their abuse by King George. King George, like all tyrannts, monopolies, and bullies, was ruled by his insatiable greed. Bullies and tyrants and monopolies will stop their abuse (when abuse spells profit) only when they are made to stop! Their language is not one of love or compassion, concern for their fellow man; their language, the only one they understand, is the dollar/profit/loss! To communicate with them, therefore, we must communicate in their language. And, as the colonists demonstrated, when words fail, only actions send the message!

Our colonists, Joram notes, without benefit of the most powerful tool mankind and democracy has ever known, the internet, managed to end their abuse and in so doing to birth America. Today with this tool that we tap away on each day, we can communicate with Exxon-Mobil Oil: we can do this by SPREADING THE WORD!

JORAM IS THUS CALLING FOR A BOYCOTT OF EXXON-MOBIL OIL OVER THE MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND! and I fervently support his call for a boycott of Exxon-Mobil gas stations for just three days over the Memorial Day Weekend. This is one of their most profitable weekends of the year! Rather than just enjoying the fact that schools are out and that this weekend kicks off a huge flurry of road trips, facts that greatly enrich this industry, they must go beyond mere wonderful profit - they must rob us! Yes, they are gearing up by raising the price at the pumps to all-time highs. Get ready... the price of a barrel closed yesterday, 5/5/08, at 122. Never in history has a company so blatantly robbed/abused those who buy their product!

LET US, as JORAM ADVICES, COMMUNICATE WITH EXXON-MOBIL OIL IN THE ONLY LANGUAGE THEY UNDERSTAND, DOLLARS/PROFIT/LOSS! LET US BOYCOTT THEM FOR 3 DAYS and give them a kick in the arse of around 1 billion dollars, the profit it anticipates realizing over this three- day weekend! javascript:iconTag('THUMBSUP3');

IF YOU JUST PURCHASE YOUR GAS A DAY OR TWO BEFORE THE WEEKEND, YOU ARE NOT COSTING THEM A DIME! TO SEND THIS MESSAGE, WE MUST ACTUALLY FORFEIT ENJOYMENT OF OUR TEA (GASOLINE) DURING THIS PERIOD, NOT GIVE THEM THEIR PROFIT JUST A DAY OR TWO EARLY RATHER THAN ON THE MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!

Pass this communication on to everyone in your email directory, this message that will do more than let Exxon-Mobil Oil know we are tired of being abused; it will also let this oil-based government know we we have had enough and that we count for more than votes on election day!

Shall we now attack EVERYBODY? OR JUST ACT SANE?

CENTER FOR RESEARCH ON GLOBALIZATION BY MIRAK-WEISSBACH

As threats of military action against Iran continue to issue from various spokesmen of the war party in the U.S., the Islamic Republic has launched an ambitious initiative aimed at preventing war, based on a comprehensive package of economic, political and security measures on a vast regional plane. The package includes proposals to settle remaining questions related to Iran's nuclear energy program, but is not limited to that.

It was Saeed Jalili, the new head of the Supreme National Security Council and chief nuclear negotiator, who first announced the initiative. As Acting Secretary of the Russian Security Council Valentin Sobolev arrived in Tehran, April 28, Jalili declared that his government was presenting the Russian delegation a package of proposals aimed at solving the problems of the world. "The package is about the great questions of the world," he said, "and the nuclear question could be the subject of discussion."

While declining to give details, he added, "We spoke in detail with our Russian friend and we explained our vision. Our approach could be a good basis for negotiation between the influential powers of the world," according to AFP. Talks continued in the Iranian capital for three days, including with Gholamreza Aghazadeh, head of Iran's Atomic Energy Organization, Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki, and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, on return from his South Asian tour.

Although both sides said the package would not be made public yet, remarks made by Sobolev at a joint press conference April 28, indicated that Russia had listened to Iran's proposals with keen interest. He praised the expansion of relations with Iran "in all areas." After their second round of talks on April 29, Jalili said of the package that it "has provided a new opportunity for constructive cooperation for restoration of regional and international peace and stability and those who have adopted positive stands on the issue should welcome it."

Ahmadinejad, following his talks with the Russian envoy, indicated that the discussions aimed at introducing a new international order. "The might of the United States and some other countries speaking the language of force that used to dictate international relations after the Second World War is now rapidly vanishing,"

The same day, the Iranian student news agency ISNA reported that, following that meeting, Sobolev, "said his country hails Iran's package of proposals covering a wide range of issues including Iran's nuclear program." TASS said Sobolev explicitly ruled out any Iranian weapons program. "We believe," he said, "that Iran is not engaged in any military nuclear research, but we are confident that not only Russia should think so but all countries that are involved in the settlement of the situation [revolving around the Iranian nuclear program]."

Further confirmation of Russia's positive response, came, albeit indirectly, from the top. Sobolev announced to RIA , "An oral message from Russian President Vladimir Putin was conveyed to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at a meeting. The substance of it is that Russia confirms the principles of mutual relations (with Iran) and her policy will not depend on who is in power," a reference to the new president Dmitry Medvedev.

While talks were going on with the Russian delegation, Jalili informed Swiss Foreign Minister Micheline Calmy-Rey of the initiative by telephone, saying it should be considered at the next meeting of the five permanent memers of the U.N. Security Council plus Germany.

The Mystery Package

The content of the Iranian package has remained shrouded in secrecy, but certain features have emerged. Alaeddin Borujerdi, head of Iran's parliamentary commission on national security and foreign policy, spoke of the fact that it would guarantee the country's enrichment rights. According to well-informed Iranian sources, the initiative develops the idea of an international consortium for the enrichment of uranium, on Iranian territory. This idea had been floated by Tehran earlier, when the President issued an invitation to international partners to participate.

Most important, it has also been under consideration by a group of U.S. figures opposed to the war policy of the administration, led by former diplomat Thomas R. Pickering. Together with William Luers and Jim Walsh, Pickering outlined the idea in an article, "A Solution for the US-Iran Nuclear Standoff," published in The New York Review of Books in its March 20 issue. (www.nybooks.com/articles/21112) The paper stated that the authors had been part of "a group of former American diplomats and regional experts" who "have been meeting directly and privately with a group of Iranian academics and policy advisers." *(Who might these diplomats be?)

The article stated: "We propose that Iran's efforts to produce enriched uranium and other related nuclear activities be conducted on a multilateral basis, that is to say jointly managed and operated on Iranian soil by a consortium including Iran and other governments." This approach reflected a similar idea worked out by the International Crisis Group, of which Pickering is a member, and presented to an international conference in Berlin in March 2006. (1) In a section entitled, "Turning Iran's Enrichment Activities into a Multilateral Program," the article goes on to suggest that "the Iranian government would allow two or more additional governments (for example, France and Germany) to participate in the management and operation of those activities within Iran." It notes that, of course, several Iranian officials, including Ahmadinejad, had "already publicly endorsed a multilateral solution."

However, as Iranian sources pointed out to this author, Tehran, significantly, did {not} address Paris or Berlin, but rather Moscow. Russia is considered the priority interlocutor due to the special relationship that exists between the two countries, epitomized by Russia's participation in building the Bushehr nuclear plant, but also because the Russians, unlike the Germans and French, have refused to let the nuclear issue become a casus belli.

Russia and China have succeeded in blocking more hostile sanctions through the Security Council, and are both fully aware of the danger that the issue might be exploited by the war party in London and Washington, to justify military aggression. For this reason, the Russian government has been insisting that Iran return to the negotiating table with the 5+1 group. On March 31, Ambassador to the U.N. Vitaly Churkin urged Tehran to restart such talks. That was just prior to Sobolev's visit. And China had taken the unprecedented initiative of convening a meeting of the permanent five in Shanghai in mid-April, to seek a solution; although the meeting yielded no solution, it underlined Beijing's concern that war could be on the agenda otherwise.

Iran expressed its readiness to settle all remaining questions related to the controversial program, just a week prior to Sobolev's mission. On April 21-22, a delegation of the International Atomic Energy Agency led by Oli Heinonen met with Iran's leading nuclear officials, including Mohammed Saeedi, Iran's IAEA envoy Ali-Asghar Soltanieh, and several AEOI and foriegn ministry representatives. Iran announced it would cooperate in clarifying anything that had to be settled.

IAEA chief Mohammad ElBaradei did not hesitate to praise the move. "That is certainly a milestone," he said, "and hopefully by the end of May we will be in a position to get the explanation and clarification from Iran as to these alleged studies," referring to studies that allegedly Iran had made regarding nuclear weapons. He said this was "the only remaining topic for us to investigate about past and present Iran nuclear activities."

But, the nuclear issue is merely one aspect of Tehran's global package. The rest is of a strategic nature.

As noted above, Ahmadinejad was visiting South Asia when Sobolev landed in Tehran, and his mission involved other components of the package. The main focus of his talks was the Iran-Pakistan-India gas pipeline project (IPI), which has been held up for various reasons, some more real than others. Aside from bickering about the price India would have to pay Pakistan, the main glitch was pressure that certain U.S. officials were placing on New Delhi, to sabotage the agreement.

Once it had been announced that Ahmadinejad would visit India, the Bush administration moved into high gear. Tom Casey, State Department spokesman, came out somewhat undiplomatically suggesting that India should "use its influence" with Iran, to persuade it to give up its uranium enrichment program. The Indian government was not amused. External Affairs Ministry spokesman Navtej Sarna was quoted by Tehran Times April 23, saying, "Neither country needs any guidance on the future conduct of bilateral relations as both countries believe that engagement and dialogue alone lead to peace." He went on to develop the concept, saying, "Both nations are perfectly capable of managing all aspects of their relationship with the appropriate degree of care and attention." The foreign ministry issued a statement which must have been somewhat embarassing for youthful Washington: "India and Iran," it read, "are ancient civilizations whose relations span centuries."

Ahmadinejad's visit was a resounding success. In an April 29 press conference, he said that progreess was being made on the IPI. "Ministers from the three countries," he was quoted by Arab News as saying, "hope to reach a tripartite agreement in the next 45 days." Construction on the pipeline is to begin in 2009, and should be completed by 2012. The 2,600 km pipeline is to transport Iranian gas to Pakistan and India. Prior to his visit to India, Ahmadinejad had been in Pakistan, where he fine-tuned details of the project with President Parvaz Musharraf. He also committed Iran to providing 1,100 MW of electricity to Pakistan, to help it overcome energy shortages.

Talks between Pakistan and India had also taken place at the end of April, after which Indian Petroleum and Natural Gas Minister Murli Deora announced that the deal would be "clinched soon." At an Islamabad press conference on April 25, IRNA reported that the oil ministers of the two countries said they had reached agreement on "fundamental issues," and that a final agreement could be signed in weeks, if not days. One factor which may have nudged India in the direction of a deal, is that China was showing interest in the project. In his meeting with Pakistani Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gilani, Ahmadinejad said that the IPI deal would soon be finalized "and my government will also welcome the inclusion of China in the project."

The crucial question of financing for the $7.4 billion project, was being hammered out in the Asian Development Bank. According to sources in the Pakistani Petroleum Ministry cited by the Tehran Times on April 23, the ADB was ready to foot the bill. The ADB is also sponsoring the Turkmenistan-Afghanistan-Pakistan-India (TAPI) gas pipeline project, in which Pakistan would import 3.2 billion cubic feet of gas, to be shared with India.

So much for pipelines. But Iran's "package" contains much more. As Iranian sources have indicated, India is also committed to invest in Iran's oil industry. And Sri Lanka, another stop on Ahmadinejad's Asian tour, is looking forward to Iranian participation in $1.5 billion worth of infrastructure projects, including the $450-million Uma Oya hydro power project slated to produce 100 MW electricity, and an upgrading of the country's oil refinery. In addiiton, Iran is ready to offer credits for military equipment to be brought in from China and Pakistan, as well as training.

Beyond energy agreements, the Iranian package also deals with developing transportation infrastructure. As reported in the Tehran Times April 16, Iran and India signed an MoU for starting work on the India-Iran-Russia railway line.

When one puts all these bits and pieces together, then a rather wonderful mosaic image emerges. As confirmed by Iranian sources, what the Iranians are proposing in their new package is nothing less than a blueprint for a new correlation of nations in Eurasia, whose collaboration in developing continental infrastucture--nuclear energy, gas and oil pipelines, and transportation--should establish the economic, and therefore political, basis for true independence. Iran's Foreign Minister Mottaki made clear, during his visit to Dushanbe on March 24, that his country wanted to become a full-fledged member of the Shanghai Cooperation Organization, a grouping which includes Russia and China, along with the leading nations of Central Asia, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Kazakhstan and Uzbekistan.

Not only: the Iranians are also moving in their more immediate regional environment, to erect this alternative economic, political and security structure. Most significant in this context, is the meeting that took place in Tehran April 30, between Iranian Interior Minister Mostafa Pourmohamadi and Saudi Arabian Deputy Interior Minister for Security Affairs Ahmed bin Mohammad Al-Salem. The aim of this 2nd joint Iran-Saudi security committee meeting was to implement the agreements the two countries had reached in groundbreaking talks in October 2001, when they signed a joint security agreement.

At the same time, Iran had been engaged in talks with Turkey on security. Iran's deputy interior minister for security and political affairs, Abbas Mohtaj, had said that Iran, Turkey and Saudi Arabia had reached some form of agreement on regional security. Add to this the ongoing process of discussions between Iran and the members of the Gulf Cooperation Council for establishment of a free trade zone, as well as for a regional nuclear energy agreement, and it becomes clear that what is on the agenda is nothing less than a regional economic-security arrangement.

The Iranian leadership has understood that, in order to face the continuing threat of militrary aggression by the war party, (GUESS WHO )* it must not only mobilize its military capabilities, as a defensive measure, but, more importantly, that it must move in a positive direction, to build the economic-strategic alliances in the immediate Persian Gulf region, and in the broader regional context -- Russia, Central Asia, India, China. This is precisely what Tehran is doing. This is the signifance of the "package." *Tome's comment

Dr. Martin Brofmanjavascript:iconTag('HEART1');

Martin Brofman, Ph.D. is the founder of The Brofman Foundation for the Advancement of Healing which promotes the cause of healing in the world, as well as the particular technologies and techniques of healing which Martin Brofman has developed. Dr. Brofman is a former Wall Street computer expert and a student of psychology and comparative religion.

He developed the Body Mirror System and the Vision Workshop through his experiences of releasing himself of a terminal illness which traditional medicine had considered hopeless - untreatable - and returning to perfect health. During his own healing process, he learned much about the Body Mind Interface, the relationship between the body and the consciousness, and how it works. He then developed a model in order to clarify these ideas for himself, as well as to provide a vehicle for teaching them easily and quickly to others.

The following is his NDE testimony as described in his article Through the Tunnel.

Through the Tunnel
A Personal Account of a NDE By a Walk-In

I was at the Episcopal Hospital in Philadelphia. I had just been told that I had a "blockage" in my spinal cord, from the fourth to the seventh cervical vertebrae at the level of the neck, that had been responsible for the symptoms I had been experiencing. My right arm was paralyzed, my legs were spastic, and there were sensations like electric shocks running through my body when I moved my head.

I was told that I had to have an operation immediately, and that if I lived through the operation, I might come out of it a quadriplegic. When I asked if I had time for a second opinion, I was told that if I coughed or sneezed at that time, I might die. Naturally, I agreed to have the operation in a few hours.

I realized that according to what the doctors had said, I might be dead in a few hours. I went through the stages that many people go through when they know they are about to die.

First, there was the sense that this was a movie set, and that these things were not really happening to me. I found myself negotiating with what was happening, bargaining if I could, for something different to happen. Slowly, the realization that it was real, and happening to me, came closer and closer, until I had to emotionally accept that I might very soon be dead.

When I accepted the unacceptable, my body shook violently as an intensity of energy moved through me. I opened more and more to it, and after one or two very long minutes it was complete. I felt a calm inside that I had not known before. All my senses were sharper. My vision was clearer. Colors were brighter. Hearing was clearer. Sensations were more alive.

I realized that I had released a perceptual filter that had been standing between me and the experience of life, and ironically, it had been the fear of death. Now that I had released that fear, I was experiencing more of life, more of being alive, even if just for a short while longer.

I thought of the life I had lived, and the things I could have done but didn't, and I found myself saying to myself, "I wish I had." There were a lot of "I wish I had." I thought to myself that it was, in fact, a sad way to end a life, and that if I had to do it again, there would be a lot of "I'm glad I did."

I had to decide what I wanted to do with the short time I had left. If I spent my remaining time worrying or feeling bad about what was, in fact, inevitable, I would have just wasted the rest of my life, thrown it away, and it was too valuable for that.

I decided to spend my remaining time feeling good, and just thinking of things that helped me to feel good - the color of the paint on the walls, the smell of flowers in the room, anything positive. I knew I could always find something.

Finally, the time came. I was taken to the operating room, and as I was being given the anesthetic, I thought that this might be the last experience I would ever have. I had no idea what might come afterwards. I had been agnostic, with no beliefs, believing in nothing that I had not experienced. Perhaps the next step after death was just oblivion.

I let go.

I began to experience a vertigo, a sense of spinning, and it didn't feel good, so I stabilized myself in the center of it until I was still, and everything else was spinning around me. I was moving through the spinning scenes, which were memories from the life I had lived, memories which were calling for my attention. If I put my attention on them, though, I felt myself "pulled," because I was moving through these spinning memories, like being pulled through a tunnel, or falling down a well, but discovering that half-way down the well. Reaching for the walls would not work. My only hope would be to aim for the water at the bottom.

I had to withdraw my attention from these scenes, then, these memories, and put my attention on the place to which I was being drawn, aiming for it. I was headed there anyway, but aiming for it gave me more of a sense of being in the driver's seat, and that was a lot more comfortable for me. It was a bit like riding a roller coaster in the front car, and pretending that you're driving the thing along the tracks. It gives a totally different ride, I can assure you, than being swept out of control.

The ride was long, but I had nothing else to do but go for it. Finally, the end of the tunnel was in sight. I came out into a kind of space, a stillness, where there was a glow of energy addressing me. It was like a spark of life, energy glowing with intelligence, not in a human form, just pure consciousness. It seemed that some distance away, there was another spark just observing the scene.

I felt as though I were having an exit interview, something like, "Well, your trip is over now, so complete things in your consciousness about that, and we'll move on."

I looked back and saw my life as I had lived it, completed my thoughts about things that had happened, understood a lot of things differently, and then expressed that I was ready.

The Being began to move away. I began to follow, and then I paused. The Being quickly asked me what the thought was that had just entered my consciousness. I had thought that it would be a shame for my daughters to have grown up without their father in their life. I had spent a large part of my life without my father in it, and I would have liked my daughters to not have to have experienced that. Anyway, I was ready to go.

The Being said that because my reason for wanting to return was somebody outside myself, I would be allowed to return. Before I had the chance to express that I didn't really want to return, there was a rapid, confused movement, something happened, the other spark which had been "observing" was somehow a part of it, and then I was waking up in this body, in traumatic pain, with intense drama going on around me in the hospital.

I felt as if I had just jumped into a movie that had been underway, but that I had not been the one in the body before this moment. Because of the trauma and the drama, my attention was directed to things happening in the physical world, and the memory of what had happened before was somehow obliterated. I had other things happening which were demanding my attention, and besides, I did not have the belief systems that would allow me to accept what had just happened.

Over the next year, I began to explore ideas and philosophies I had no experience of before. I read books like "Life After Life," and "Life After Death," and other writings which described what people called, "Near Death Experiences," and I began to remember what had happened. I saw the similarities to what others had experienced, and I knew then what had happened to me. I thought also of the similarities to what we consider the "normal" birth process, where babies are born into bright lights and loud sounds and being slapped, and perhaps, their attention is so much directed to outer things that they forget their inner experiences just before the process of being born.

From time to time, I meet others who have made the trip, and we compare notes. "What was it like for you?" One woman said that before, she was certain there would be a Being on the other side with a big book, looking at what she had and had not done, and making checks and crosses, good marks and bad marks. When she got to the other side, there really was a Being there with a big book, just as she thought there would be. The only bad marks she got, though, were for the things that she hadn't done. Her only sin was self-denial.

My diagnosis on leaving the hospital was "Spinal Cord Tumor." There was no treatment possible. I was given one or two months to live, and I decided to do that living my new philosophy of "I'm glad I did." I decided to work on myself, working in my consciousness to release the tumor. Later, the doctors decided that they must have made a mistaken diagnosis.

But that's another story. By Martin Brofman, Ph.D.

The Brofman Foundation
Place de la Riponne, 3
CH-1005 Lausanne, Suisse
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Email: healer@healer.ch
Website: www.healer.ch